Everything and Nothing, feelings, fighting depression, Monster, Movies, Scattered Thoughts

One of Those days…

And suddenly you find yourself trying to not fall into depression, you know it is  there, waiting to embrace you. You have fought it for many years but sometimes you are more vulnerable to it.

Standing there ready to give you a slimy hug of disper ,no hope of moving forward with anything and inviting you to create a painful or worthless outcome to your thoughts.

Image result for mud monsters

I can look  to my depression in the eye and keep it at bay, It is like my own remora. But my question is how long I will be strong enough not to give up and succumb to its arms of infinite bad energy.

I do not want to be depressed as I know there is loads to be happy and positive about in life and I do not have a bad one either (” life, that is”)but that does not stop me wanting to chose the easy option and cradle in a hole of mud that becomes impossible to climb.( I visualized the scene of “Labyrinth” when she is falling and all the hands are dropping her and holding her without been very helpful) don’t we all feel like that from time to time.

Image result for scene of labyrinth with the hands

I can not finish this as I got distracted thinking in films etc but that how depression tries to latch in to me.

 

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Everything and Nothing, feelings, Scattered Thoughts

Anxious much…

I love Mondays, although today I’m anxious, it really annoys having this mood, the feeling that something would happen without nothing really giving me any indication of it.

Fine there are things to do( duhh) but nothing out of the ordinary that would make me antsy.

The feeling of an emptiness that needs to be fulfill in order to have another expectation or task to feel the same towards.

Well let’s soldier on and wait and see if something happens (not), either way is fine. Life is  full of different events and feelings and today is only another of those.

 

 

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Everything and Nothing, Fashion outrage, feelings, London, Underground

Tube

In London whether you like it or not we are a bit paranoid ,at least I’am. Not that I’m a scardy cat but I do think about how I will react to different incidents.

This morning ,when a good crowd goes to work , I took the tube at Clapham South as usual. As per routine I scanned the people on the carriage, I always do, remembering that someone spend long time studying people from the tube and then wrote a book. Of course there isn’t any available seat, I will have to wait until Stockwell.

Leaning against the screen next to the sliding doors while listening to very loud music,my attention which was in Lala land start to focus in the chap opposite me reading the Koran or so I thought , maybe was any other book in arabic, he was reading aloud to himself (so not so laud).Therefore because I’m human and whether or not I like it, a bit prejudice I started to plan in my head for the worst scenario. They were 2 alternatives,that I had contemplated basicly one he might blow everyone up so we caput or he might produce a knife and start to stab us all.With the latter I was working out that if I put my bag (Full of standard ladies bag things)I might be able to stop the knife going through and that might buy the ladies who were wearing white linen( very inconvenient colour for the situation going on in my head), After a while of how I will defend myself and help people strategies, I looked up and realise there are far more scary men and women in here that this poor bloke which I’m judging, at the end of the day, it is Friday and is the day of worship for some religions. and they need to pray at some point during the day.

Maybe next week I will analyze the man with camouflage gear and all his murders(I think he looks like a serial killer)

Now the metal machine is in Embankment (do I get down and walk, “nah… I stay on til L Square”).

 

There are plenty of books about the underground which are very interesting.

Here is a review about Underground notes

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2013/mar/23/penguin-underground-lines-tube-review

A great shop for more underground stories and London curiosities is

http://www.stanfords.co.uk/

 

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Everything and Nothing, family, feelings, Lyme disease, Scattered Thoughts, Sister in law

What madness…

I might be a little paranoid and full of issues but this is what is happening to me right now…

I’m fuming…

My sister in law has been messing with me and my family again and my father in law has disappointed me greatly. This time I try to stay out of the picture so confrontation was avoided . As this wasn’t convenient for my SIL ,she decided to target my daughter.  To all of this my father in law made my daughter feel guilty for something she said whilst angry. My girl is only 9 .

I know it doesn’t help that I’m living with my in laws due to illness on their part (lyme disease).

I’m all to support my husband and his mother in this difficult journey. What I’m not cool with is seeing adult people damaging me and least of all my family (husband and 2 kids).

I know that part of Lyme is the inflammation in certain parts of the brain which makes you have extreme rage reactions. I can deal and understand and even allowed such outbursts as a symptom of an illness, but sadly the rejection  and malicious passive aggressive comments are not part of this disease. My husband is being  fantastic  trying to emotionally support our family and his parents.

Nevertheless this doesn’t stop my father in law from showing  his constant  discomfort  with our presence. ..

My husband and I chosen to look after them, we new that it wouldn’t be easy but we were trying to cope with the changes until once again his sister decided to alter the status quo.

A bit of background in my non existing relationship with my SIL.

Basically  she got married and went to leave abroad and since then she led me to think that she feels that I want to fill her space. I had in the past distant my self from her parents so she doesn’t had this sensation towards me. Sadly it was taken as lack of care or interest.

Then the children  came  along to both of our lives. (Please may I point out I do not obsess “all the time ” about her)only when she tries to put me  or someone I love down . Because  only her feelings are valid…

Well coming back to the bitterness that she feel against my kids,my husband and I  for living closer to her parents. And how  many things the grandparents are doing with my children  rather than hers. Ok grandparents  came and visit often but that’s all not many bonding or fantastic outings were done. I don’t care… my kids love their grandparents  just for being their grandparents  not for the things they give them or do with them. My SIL doesn’t see it that way.

When her daughters  are with my kids everything is fine till she pulls them away from spending time with them and ditch my kids at her first opportunity.

Of course my kids have to be there ready to play  if she thinks it suit her. In many occasions we had to cancel  play dates or postpone already made plans only to discover  that she decided to take only her children for tea without  inviting mine.All of this is done in front of the children.  If you  do it once ok. But when you break my kids hearts several times …you will not be in my good list.

It is so frustrating  because  yes I have a problem with her making me feel so bad just for being about. She is so resentful of me just because I’m me. She made a  choice of going somewhere else to live and not be here. I’m not saying that is as simple as that… I’m come from abroad too… and is hard as there is a lots of feelings of abandonment, guilt and blah blah and if you suffer from depression is even worse. We also have the ability of changing our decisions though so if you’re not happy with your life go ahead and do something about it.

I do not hope to have a relationship with her , she made it clear that my efforts are in vain, I’m just  want this stupidity to end. I have loads of other things and people to worry and love and this is hindering my ability to do so. Sorry for the typos

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